After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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