I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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