i would punch a child for taco bell
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
