Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
