Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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