You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
