Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i already hear my dad disowning me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
