BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
