I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
