Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
