remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
