Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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