i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
