So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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