I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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