all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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