My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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