My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
