3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Another day, another engagement, another cat
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
