I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
