If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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