I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
