So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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