I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
