i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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