Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
