I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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