The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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