The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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