I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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