Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
