Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
