had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
