Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
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Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
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It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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