Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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