Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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