Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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