walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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