Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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