Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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