Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
