I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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