By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
