If that was your dad, he is hot
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
