you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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