If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
