I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
