And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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