His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
