I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
