You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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