i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
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We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
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I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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