you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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