It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
