You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
