I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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