Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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